Mercury Rising

It's tough keeping up with the latest changes in ecological correctness. As we remodeled the downstairs kitchen, we removed all of the fluorescent ceiling lights. The Health Dept. says we can't have bare bulbs in a food-preparation facility, presumably because the bulbs might spontaneously shatter and fall into the food. Okay, but since we couldn't find any light covers that fit, the entire fixture had to come out.

We had a total of three big fixtures, each one with fluorescent tubes that are six feet long (!). Taking down the fixtures is easy. It's disposing of the bulbs that's tricky. Standing up on the ladder, reaching over my head, I was scared that I'd drop one of these things and it would shatter into a million pieces all over the kitchen floor. Turns out, that's not really a problem.

Once I got the bulbs down, I tossed them into the garbage can, thinking they'd break up into little glass shards. Nope. These things are surprisingly tough. Ironically, they're tougher than the plastic "safety covers" that go over them, so the Health Dept. might want to rethink its rules.

Since they didn't politely crumble into pieces when we threw them away, I put on a pair of goggles, wore heavy gloves, and wrapped an old blanket around each tube and hit it with a hammer. You know, kind of a gentle tap, tap, tap. Not good enough. Hit it a little harder. Knock, knock, knock. Still no good. Finally, I took a big swing and really pounded the thing and then it broke. Jeez, these things could be used in track & field events as vaulting poles. They're tough.

They also give off a lot of white dust when they break, kind of like hitting two chalkboard erasers together. I'm certain the dust is poisonous, but I was outside so that makes it okay, right?