The Dim Bulb

The local hardware stores were all giving away free light bulbs a few years ago. We couldn't walk into the Home Depot without some hourly employee force-feeding us a brand new light bulb or two. They were the compact fluorescent (CFL) kind. You know, the energy-efficient type with the weird spiral glass "bulb." At the time, I assumed this was part of some industry-wide awareness program to encourage us all to convert from our old, inefficient incandescent light bulbs to the new energy-efficient ones. Or maybe it's a government program to get us to switch. Either way, I was a fan. Hey, free light bulbs!

Now I understand why they were handing them out so aggressively. They're terrible.

First, they had fat bases that wouldn't screw in to most lamps or ceiling lights. They just didn't fit. Second, the bulbs were dim. Sure, they saved a lot of energy compared to normal light bulbs but that's because they were only half as bright. Plus, the "color" of the light was funny -- a harsh ultra-white white, instead of the warmer yellowish white we've all grown used to.

But most of all, the bulbs were terrible because they were slow. They actually needed time to warm up, like an old tube radio. You'd flip on the light switch and there was a noticeable delay bfore the light came on. Like the old Muhammad Ali joke, you could turn on the light and be out of bed before the room got bright. And when the light did come on, it started out sort of pale and gradually - really gradually -- got brighter. It took a solid three minutes for the bulb to reach full brightness. No wonder they couldn't sell these turkeys. They were giving them away to avoid dumping them all into a landfill somewhere.

Anyway, through sheer greed we collected dozens of free CFL bulbs before we realized we couldn't actually use them anywhere in the house. Anywhere, that is, except the bathroom.

One of the few places these crappy CFL bulbs would physically fit into a socket was in our 2nd-floor bathroom ceiling. This is the bathroom we remodeled in 2011, so the ceiling fixtures are brand new and -- aha! -- they're compatible with the fat bases on the newfangled CFL bulbs. But that's not the best part.

The best part is, when you're dragging your tired self to the bathroom at 4:00 AM, you don't want to be dazzled with bright lights. You want a nice dim bulb. It's perfect that these ones take so long to warm up. That's exactly the right thing early in the morning. They start out slow and kinda pinkish, and gradually work up to full brightness, by which time I'm nominally awake. It's like having an auto-dimmer built in to the bathroom. And it's free!

So now all the old, weird, crappy (but energy-efficient) CFL bulbs go in a special box designated bathroom lights. I'll even sell you a few if you want.