The Life of a Troll

For the do-it-yourself homeowner, here are a few tips I've learned about working underneath the house:

1. As a warm-up exercise, get on your hands and knees and crawl around the outside of your house in a clockwise direction. When you get halfway, lie down on your stomach and crawl the rest of the way soldier-style.
2. When you're ready to go back (or just realize you've forgotten a tool), reverse the process, crawling counter-clockwise.
3. The reason you're circling around the house is because, of course, the furnace is right in the middle, blocking any shortcuts. (See item #7, below.)
4. Working on your back under the floor with pipes in your face, nearsightedness is a benefit. In fact, it may be a job requirement.
5. Claustrophobia is just plain not allowed.
6. Don't work on anything directly overhead while lying on your back. Nasty stuff tends to fall into your face, mouth, and eyes, even with eyeglasses. Instead, move slightly to one side so all the dust can fall in your ear.
7. Remark on the incompetence of every plumber, electrician, and builder who came before you and wonder why, oh, why did they have to put that pipe/conduit/joist exactly where you're trying to work?
8. After you come out from under the house, shake off like a dog coming out of the pool. You don't want to track that stuff in.
9. If possible, wear pants without pockets. As you inch along in the dirt (see #1) your pockets will act as shovels, collecting an amazing amount of dirt and debris. You'll be 5 pounds heaver than when you started.
10. Always wear a dust mask or respirator. You may not think you need it, but careful examination of said mask will reveal all the stuff that didn't go into your lungs and nose.
11. Blow your nose after every trip under the house, but don't look at the Kleenex. Seriously.
12. Hardhats are for sissies. Just learn where the 7,459 exposed nails are.
13. Buy fresh batteries for your flashlight. In fact, buy several flashlights.
14. Christmas tree lights make excellent crawlspace lighting. They're cheap, small, not overly bright, and the LED kind don't get warm and don't use much electricity. Best of all, you can string them along the floor joists to make path lighting, like the floor of an airliner.
15. Item #14 requires a working AC outlet under the house, of course.
16. Safety tip: Learn to recognize the difference between gas lines and water pipes. Both are metal, but one is more fun to cut into than the other. Practice identifying them in dim lighting.
17. Never take down more than one object with a cord (work light, extension cord, long rope, etc.). They will inevitably get tangled together and you've got approximately zero space in which to get them untangled.
18. Banging your funny bone feels just like an electric shock. Don't panic.
19. Avoid power tools. There probably isn't enough room for them, the corded ones are more trouble than they're worth (see #17, above), and they'll just get dirt in the motors. Besides, a screwdriver hurts a lot less than a cordless drill when you drop it on your face.
20. Place all of your parts and tools in a small plastic box and keep them there. This allows you to push/drag everything at once, rather than hand-carry twenty different items while you're crawling on hands and knees.
21. Always, always put tools directly back into the box. Never set them down, rest them on your stomach, or let them out of your sight. They will disappear. The box will get very dirty and crowded, but at least you'll know where to look for your pliers.
22. Sharpies work upside-down. Crayons work even better.
23. Gloves are worse than useless. They scoop up dirt, which falls out when you reach over your face to work.
24. Do not drink excessive amounts of coffee, tea, or cola before starting an under-house project. Just sayin'.
25. Large screws require large screwdrivers, and large screwdrivers have long handles. There is no room for such tools under a low crawlspace. Deal with it.
26. Open all containers to one side, not over your face. This is especially true of liquid containers, and most especially of ABS cement.
27. Take twice as many small screws, wire nuts, couplers, or whatever little pieces as you think you need. It's a nuisance to go back for one more.
28. Prop open the door/hatch to your crawlspace with a brick or other handy object. Otherwise, the door will blow shut just as you've reached the furthermost recess, and it gets really dark in there.
29. Whenever possible, cut a hole in the floor near where you'll be working. This allows daylight to come through and admits fresh air, but most of all it allows you to place tools near the hole so you can reach up and grab them later. With practice, you'll develop a pattern so that you always know that the #2 Philips screwdriver is on the left, the flashlight is to the right, and so on.
30. Your cell phone should be among the items reachable from the hole. Just in case.
31. Sandy soil has a remarkable ability to swallow objects. If you think rainwater soaks into the soil quickly, try dropping a pair of pliers. Or that little screw you really needed to finish your project. Now I understand how ancient cities can disappear so thoroughly.
32. I'd make a great poltergeist, what with all the banging, grunting, and swearing.